My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
bad news gang
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments