Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words