*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.