I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
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I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My god she’s good.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.