The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?