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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.