I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
🙄😏😂🤣
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.