*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.