Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere