3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died