Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.