nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
it is time once again
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Whoa 😂
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.