I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
ok like just. call me at this point
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
A Short Story.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too