Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
You Might Also Like
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When your parents check you’re ok.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard