ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans