superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Simple enough.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves