Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.