(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
You Might Also Like
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools