Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Software Development ⛵️
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.