*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….