dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”