Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
nature’s most graceful animal
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay