my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
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“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
TRAIN’S HERE
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it