My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Damn he played himself
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?