#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
i will not be silenced
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*seductively corrects your posture*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤