“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Has science gone too far?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife