her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.