“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Why font matters.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close