They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You Might Also Like
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?