My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.