I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You Might Also Like
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.