*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks