Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Watson was Holmes schooled
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what