This made me chuckle cuz mood
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My Sentiments Exactly
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.