Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Swedish for common sense.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.