*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!