9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
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“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.