Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?