*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]