You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
i made a craigslist ad !
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free