Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[montage of me giving-up]
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water