Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Best seat on the street 😍
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.