My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m already scared
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety