hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.