Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you