Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You Might Also Like
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
how high up are we talkin’?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka