[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
when mom throws a party…
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage