Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?