Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE