me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Tell the colonel to bring it
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.